“She’s so mature.”
“She never gives her parents trouble.”
“She’s like the second mom in the house.”
If you’re the eldest daughter in a South Asian family, these phrases may feel painfully familiar. You might even feel a tiny twinge in your stomach when someone calls you “strong,” not because it’s untrue—but because no one ever asked how you became that way.
Many eldest daughters I work with in therapy carry a quiet but immense weight. It’s not the kind of pain that draws attention. It’s the kind that blends into achievement, responsibility, and care. The kind that gets praised, not questioned. But behind the calm demeanor is often a story of self-sacrifice, emotional suppression, and quiet resentment—rooted in the struggle to set boundaries in South Asian culture..
Let’s talk about it.
The Unspoken Role
You didn’t apply for this job, but somehow you became the peacekeeper, the fixer, the emotional container for the whole household.
Maybe you:
- Took care of your siblings while your parents worked
- Absorbed the tension during family fights
- Held your parents’ fears so they wouldn’t feel alone
- Grew up feeling that love was something you earned through responsibility
You were the one who had to “know better,” even when you were just a child. You may have internalized that your feelings were secondary to others’ needs—that your role was to support, not take up space.
And now, in adulthood, that same story continues: you say yes when you mean no, you over-function at work or in your relationships, and you feel guilty even thinking about putting yourself first.
Guilt and Resentment Can Coexist
Here’s the part many eldest daughters struggle to say out loud:
I love my family—and I also feel resentment.
Not because you’re ungrateful. Not because you don’t care. But because you never got the chance to just be a daughter. You were too busy being everything else.
You might find yourself:
- Feeling drained after family visits but unable to name why
- Avoiding conversations with your parents because they always end in you fixing something
- Crying after being called “selfish” for setting a boundary
- Questioning your worth when you’re not being “useful”
Resentment doesn’t make you bad. It makes you human.
And therapy can help you understand where it comes from—so it doesn’t eat away at your joy.
What Therapy Can Offer You
If you’ve never had space to talk about these feelings, therapy can feel like a breath of fresh air.
In our sessions, we don’t just talk about what you’re doing—we talk about what you’re holding. The quiet grief of growing up too soon. The frustration of always being the responsible one. The fear of disappointing your family if you stop.
Together, we gently explore:
- The origin of your “caretaker part”
- The stories you’ve carried about being “good” or “selfless”
- The younger version of you who needed care, too
- How to set boundaries without feeling like a bad daughter
- How to separate love from obligation
I often use Internal Family Systems (IFS) with eldest daughters—because you have many parts inside you: the pleaser, the protector, the exhausted one, the resentful one. Therapy helps them talk to each other, soften, and start healing.
You Don’t Have to Earn Your Worth
You don’t have to be everything for everyone.
You don’t have to sacrifice your peace to keep the family together.
You don’t have to shrink so others can expand.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to rest.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone.
Therapy can help you lay the weight down—without guilt.
Book a session at Mind Matters Counselling.
You deserve a life that includes you in it, too.
Let’s make space for the relationship you both deserve.
